


i’m in love with how your soul's a mix of chaos and art

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ex Sex, M/M, Seperation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26987713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: It’s been a year. A year since their wedding.It’s been three months. Three months since their divorce. Three. Long. Months.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 5
Kudos: 90





	i’m in love with how your soul's a mix of chaos and art

It’s been a year. A year since their wedding.

It’s been three months. Three months since their divorce. Three. Long. Months.

Months that have been a blur.

“Can I buy ya a drink?” Ben almost stumbles off his stool at the voice just behind him.

He doesn’t look back, he can’t. Instead, he laughs bitterly. “Ya want to buy me a drink? Seriously? Today of all days.”

There’s a strained pause before Callum speaks again. “I want us to get on… I want us to be friends.”

Ben’s eyes close, heart increasing as something he doesn’t like begins to bubble up inside. “Friends?” Ben’s mouth scrunches up, “got enough of those, thanks.”

“Why can’t I be one?”

_Because you’re my ex husband._

_Because I love you._

_Because I will always love you._

_Because everything hurts and I still need you, and I think I always will._

“Ya got memory loss, or something?” Ben huffs. “Ya wasting your time, Callum.”

“Please – I,”

“I’m meeting someone,” Ben finally turns, the lie feeling dirty on his tongue. “Like I said, ya wasting your time.”

The way hurt becomes visible on Callum’s face makes Ben feel wrong and guilty. “Oh,” Callum’s head drops, eyebrows creasing inwards and Ben wants to reach out and smooth it all away. He wants to remember what it’s like to be able to have Callum under his touch, to be able to make him smile and laugh so effortlessly. “I didn’t realise,” Callum blinks. “I’m sorry.”

Ben’s nostrils flare, “why would ya? What I do ain’t your business anymore, is it?” 

Callum shakes his head, “I guess not.” _He’s so close._ Ben sits as open as possible, leaning back against the bar – arm across it like none of this is a problem, as if none of this hurts. Callum’s suddenly taking a step back and clearing his throat, his eyes watering slightly and Ben tries his best to focus elsewhere because the sight clenches his chest. “I’ll- I’ll stay away from ya from now on.”

_No. Please don’t._

Ben bites his bottom lip, “fine by me,” he shrugs and turns away quickly. Just in time for his own eyes to start welling up.

*

There’s the usual Halloween party in the The Vic and Ben’s only there because Lexi wanted to see him dressed up and Lola and Jay weren’t taking no for an answer.

Of course Callum’s there. Dressed up like Frankenstein and Ben has to bite down harshly on the inside of his cheek so not to smile over it. _Over him._

He’s half way through his third drink when Callum comes over, just to talk to Lola and Jay, obviously, but Ben wishes he hadn’t. Callum smiles awkwardly at him every now and again until Ben’s had enough of the fake pleasantries and he downs the rest of his drink and excuses himself to go to the bar.

“Let me,” Callum’s next to him _again._

“No thanks, can get me own.”

“Will ya just _stop?”_ Ben looks up at him as if he doesn’t know what he’s going on about. “I’m _trying_ here.”

“Well _don’t,”_ Ben licks his lips. “I ain’t interested in being your _friend,_ or whatever else you think is possible up in that gorgeous head of yours.”

“What?”

“What?” Ben looks away.

“Ya just called me gorgeous,” Callum’s smile grows like it’s the first time he’s heard Ben call him it.

“Just ‘cause we ain’t together anymore doesn’t mean I’ve stopped… stopped fancying ya.”

“Even dressed like this?”

Ben chances a look up at him, evident blush even behind the face paint. “More so,” Ben swallows, hating himself.

Ben feels Callum’s leg against his thigh and it ignites every single feeling inside of him that he’s been trying to rid since they split up.

 _He had it all under control_.

Things begin to slip through his fingers when he pushes his thigh further into Callum’s leg. Callum looks down between them before lowering his hand and placing it on Ben’s thigh.

It stays light at first, until Ben’s breathing becomes heavy and Callum’s hand squeezes his thigh, his hand moving further up as he goes.

“Callum-“

“Ben-“

Ben sighs, “we can’t. You’re being…”

_Unfair. Reckless. Stupid._

“Right,” Callum smiles sadly. “I just can’t seem to get it right, can I?”

His hand moves away quickly and he turns to leave without looking back.

Ben’s all those things he thinks Callum is because he goes after him without a second thought. “Callum. Wait, will ya!”

Callum stops, turns to face Ben with a little surprise on his face. “Ya don’t have to run off.”

Callum scoffs, “seems I’m good at that. Running away when things get tough.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Ben tries, shaking his head.

“It was the start of us falling apart, Ben. The reason we crashed and burned so badly.”

“I was the one who split up with ya,” Ben whisperers, regretting it all.

“You had your reasons,” Callum breathes. “The dishonesty… I caused the trust to break down between us and I’m sorry.”

Ben’s sick of hearing those words. They’re both _sorry_ , but it doesn’t change where they are now.

It doesn’t change the fact they split up, divorced and didn’t stop it. Didn’t stop to think they could work on things and better what they had, what they knew they could have.

Sorry means so little sometimes, but Ben knows he means it with all he has. “I know,” Ben nods.

A small smile creeps up on Callum’s face before he’s eyeing Ben up and down, “didn’t make much of an effort, did ya?”

Ben huffs, looking down at himself and then opens his mouth to reveal the fake vangs. “You were saying?”

Callum just laughs, so light that it makes Ben laugh along with him and before he can think, he’s pushed up against a wall with his fists full of Callum.

For the longest moment Callum just holds Ben close to him by his waist, their foreheads together. Ben’s to weak to speak, to push him away and refuse what this is. What they still have between them.

Ben finds himself wrapping his arms around Callum’s neck and smiles when Callum keens into him further. “What ya thinking?” Ben whispers, his fingers mindlessly soothing the back of Callum’s hair.

Callum answers him with a kiss that has Ben up on his toes in an instant. Callum breaks away, maybe just to take a breath or to make sure this is ok, but Ben doesn’t want to wait again. He pulls Callum back into him, a moan falling onto Callum’s tongue and Ben holds on when Callum’s hands cup the back of Ben’s head and he’s remembered how safe he’s made to feel just by Callum’s hands being on him.

They end up back at Ben’s and it’s just like their first time all over again.

Ben’s too fearful to think what it could mean for them now.

But as he stirs awake, Callum’s lips press gently against his back and he’s turning to see Callum grinning down at him. He pulls Callum down onto him and Ben knows they’ve crossed dangerous territory.

With Callum’s hands lowering and working Ben up easily, he can’t see any way back for them.


End file.
